The Ultimate Valentine's Chocoholic Gift Guide

Ellie Weston – 5th Feb 2019

If they’ve got a REAL sweet tooth… You Repulse Me The Least

Most milk chocolate is pretty sweet, but if your sweetheart goes above and beyond the realm of sugar addiction, you’re going to need to up your game.

You Repulse Me The Least is pretty. It's pink. And it's seriously sweet. That'll be thanks to the unique blend of Belgian white chocolate, infused with raspberry and rose for a delicate floral zing.

If they’re done with their New Year diet… Never Mind The Detox

They’ve come so far, and now it’s time to end the celery munching. Treat your partner to a break from the detox, dieting, and self flagellation. It’s about time they had a little cheat day.

And what better way to temporarily forget to be healthy than with this trio of absurdly milk chocolate bars. Each one is laced with chunks of exciting sweet stuff, like brownies, fudge, and honeycomb. They may be rich and decadent, but they’re not MASSIVE, so you don’t have to feel TOO guilty about ruining their goals.

If they’re adventurous… Instant Regret Chilli Chocolate

This one is something else entirely. All of the others on this list could make a nice V-Day gift for any chocolate fan, no matter what their favourite variety is. This stuff… zoo wee mama, to put it lightly.

Instant Regret is not an exaggeration. This chocolate will do more than just ‘knock your frock up’, as your dad might say. It’s OBSCENELY spicy. It makes a vindaloo look like a korma for babies. But also lots of fun and a way to make memories that will last a lifetime. ‘Hey, babe, do you remember that time you had the spicy chocolate and had to go to A&E? Those were the days.’

If they’re a laugh… Edible Anus

Still fancy a laugh, but not the flaming oesophagus? Of course you do. These naughty chocolate anuses should do the trick.

This box contains five arseholes finely rendered in the finest Belgian chocolate. Modelled on a real British woman’s anal orifice, these are more than just a saucy novelty - they’re actually top quality. Better than anything you’ll find on the high street, for sure. And, more importantly, way funnier.

If they need something a bit different… Chocolate Dinosaur Eggs

Eggs are the best format for chocolate - especially solid ones, like these. Our chocolate dinosaur eggs are individually wrapped balls of white chocolate with splats of edible colour and popping candy.

Be warned, these are addictive. You might find yourself scoffing until the adorable eco-friendly cardboard carton is empty. Don’t let any kids get hold of them, they’ll go mad for these - just tell them they’re real dinosaur eggs and pray that they’re gullible enough not to read the words on the box.

If they’re a boozehound… Whisky Chocolate

Big drinker? They’re probably a little bit sick of the usual holiday offerings: spirits, spirits, and more spirits. Yawn. And don’t even bother with sickly liqueurs, they won’t hold a candle to their favourite tipple.

Our Whisky Chocolate, on the other hand, is a completely different story. This bar of stunning Belgian milk chocolate features a sophisticated palate of flavours, with a malty, smoky twist of whisky and a rich swirl of Irish cream. Oh, and it’s shimmery and golden! You don’t get much fancier than that.

If they need to wake the fck up… Fcking Strong Coffee Chocolate Beans

These winter mornings have been taxing and your nearest and dearest could probably use a bit of a boost in the morning. These F*cking Strong Coffee Chocolate Beans have all of the effect of necking an espresso, with the deliciousness of a rich tiramisu.

Addictively crunchy, each one of the little pellets of joy in your jar is a real coffee bean covered in sensual dark chocolate. They really will wake you up - even if it’s just because you know there’s a tasty treat around the corner instead of your normal bowl of muesli.