There are so many fabulous Mother’s Day gifts out there - especially this lot. But what about all the duds? Here are a few random bits that caught our eye, mainly for being utterly crap. Avoid at all costs.
Are you a bank teller - and a bad ass one at that? Your mum must be so proud. She probably bangs on about your vocation to her pals all the time.
“Well, it’s fabulous that your daughter is off in the Congo delivering lifesaving surgical procedures for free, Linda, but my son puts cheques in a little box. He even has a little pen on a ball chain. It’s attached to the table.”
Save her the breath and just get her to pop this cosy sweatshirt on. All the other parents will wish they had their own needlessly specific maternal boasting top.
Got $1,695 Canadian dollars kicking about? Thought so. If you're generous and rich enough to consider splashing that amount on your mother dearest, you can now get her 3 nights at a fancy chateau for a 'Spirit Medicine' retreat.
‘That doesn’t sound so bad!’, you say, but this is no ordinary spa break. Instead, your oblivious mum will be subjected to learning Very Legit Medicine Stuff like 'how to access all states of love to be used as a healing tool', or 'tapping into your body's wisdom and heart energy (love) to manifest a healthy and stressful life’. Save the cash and get her a self help book and a face mask.
God was just mucking about when he made flowers, merely practising for designing these beautiful blooms.
Don’t give your mum something gorgeous that will make her day, just chuck her a bouquet of latex. Looks like a prop from an episode of Mr Tumble. An assortment of frightening rubber protrusions. Something to make her feel vaguely uncomfortable from across the room. Waste of a vase. Perfect for the child of a fucking clown.
Know a new mum who loves a bit of Nine Inch Nails? Don’t we all. She’s probably down a few nights of kip and desperately searching for anything to soothe the little nipper. If she likes a certain ‘90s industrial rock band so much, maybe her offspring will too! And thus, the Rockabye Baby NIN album was born.
Who wouldn’t be comforted by all their favourite edgy metallic scrapings translated into sweet lullaby? This thing better feature a glockenspiel version of Closer.
Since becoming a mother, she might have noticed some exciting new adjustments to her undercarriage. A notable slackening, perhaps. No, the answer isn’t giving it time and a bit of Kegelling, it’s shoving a polished rock up your twat.
Some crackpots reckon it’s the vaginal equivalent of a Romanian deadlift, the best thing to strengthen those pelvic floor muscles. Gynaecologists reckon it’s a fast, expensive way to get a serious infection. Those stone eggs are deceptively porous and let in more bacteria than you can imagine. Nice.
And, aside from risk of toxic shock death, what a weird gift to get for your own mum. A card and a box of chocolates would have sufficed.