The 5 Worst Mother’s Day Gifts 2019

Ellie Weston – 14th Mar 2019

There are so many fabulous Mother’s Day gifts out there - our range, for example.

But what about all the duds? Our prezzies may not be for everyone, but this lot isn't for anyone.

-

Bank Teller sweatshirt

Are you a bank teller - and a bad ass one at that? Your mum must be so proud. She probably bangs on about you to her pals all the time.

“Well, it’s fabulous that your daughter is a head doctor for Médecins Sans Frontières, Linda, but my son puts cheques in a little box. He even has a special pen on a ball chain. It’s attached to the table.”

Save her the breath and just get her to pop this cosy sweatshirt on. All the other parents will wish they had their own needlessly specific maternal boasting top.

A "Spirit" Retreat

Got $1,695 Canadian dollars kicking about? Thought so. If you're generous and rich enough to consider splashing that amount on your mother dearest, you can now get her 3 nights at a fancy chateau for a "Spirit Medicine" retreat.

"That doesn’t sound so bad!", you say, but this is no ordinary spa break.

Instead, your oblivious mum will be subjected to learning "how to access all states of love to be used as a healing tool", or "tapping into your body's wisdom and heart energy (love) to manifest a healthy and successful life".

Sounds like a pretty heavy itinerary for just 3 days. Maybe we just need to open up our anti-skepticism chakra.

Balloon flower bouquet

God was just mucking about when he made real flowers, merely practising for designing these beautiful blooms.

Don’t give your mum something gorgeous that will make her day, just chuck her a bouquet of latex.

An assortment of frightening rubber protrusions. Looks like a rejected prop from an episode of Mr Tumble. Something to make her feel vaguely uncomfortable from across the room. Waste of a vase. Perfect for the child of a fucking clown.

Rockabye Baby Nine Inch Nails album

Know a new mum who loves a bit of Nine Inch Nails? Don’t we all. She’s probably down a few nights of kip and desperately searching for anything to soothe the little nipper. If she likes a certain ‘90s industrial rock band so much, maybe her offspring will too! And thus, the Rockabye Baby NIN album was born.

Who wouldn’t be comforted by all their favourite edgy metallic scrapings translated into sweet lullaby?

Nothing sends us off to the land of nod quite like a glockenspiel cover of Closer.

Yoni eggs

Since becoming a mother, she might have noticed some exciting new adjustments to her undercarriage. A notable slackening, perhaps.

No, the answer isn’t giving it time and a bit of Kegelling, it’s shoving a polished rock up your twat.

Some crackpots reckon it’s the vaginal equivalent of a Romanian deadlift, the best thing to strengthen those pelvic floor muscles. Gynaecologists reckon it’s a fast, expensive way to get a serious infection. Those stone eggs are deceptively porous and let in more bacteria than you can imagine. Nice.

And, aside from risk of toxic shock death, what a weird gift to get for your own mum. A card and a box of chocolates would have sufficed.