7 Perfect Valentine's Day Prezzies for Singletons

Ellie Weston – 16th Jan 2019

Bottomless Bubbles

What better occasion on which to get riggity-wrecked than the most anaemic holiday in the calendar: Burn’s Night! Valentine’s Day! You don’t need a date as an excuse to get sloshed this year. Drown your sorrows in style and turn any wine bottle into a giant glass. Simply screw this nifty contraption into the top of your favourite bottle of booze and drink away.

It fits almost all regular wine bottles and even some spirits, if you really intend to put yourself in hospital. And the borosilicate glass its made of is super durable, so you can take it out and about with you for mad binge-drinking on the go. Bottoms up!

Pierre The Penis Pillow

If they have no dick in their life, maybe you can be the one to provide it. Not like that, of course - in pillow format, not the real life version. This towering chode is 12 inches (30 cm) of pure penile plush - adorable from his chubby bellend to his weird little eyes, Pierre is one of a kind.

Here at Firebox, we like to cuddle it. But we would understand if you wanted to take your dating-based frustrations out on it - violently speaking, of course. Pummel that thing. Try not to feel guilty about it, that person didn’t feel guilty when they ghosted you!

(Side note: what would Toy Story have been like if Pierre was involved? Hmmm…)

Swear Socks For Her

Nobody to keep their feet warm at night? It’s not the end of the world. Put some socks on and handle it. Namely these sassy little numbers. Spectacularly sweary, each pair has a different raunchy message - choose from 'Fck 'Em', 'Fck Yeah' or 'Shitting Rainbows Kind of Day'.

Accompanied by cute little illustrations, these are the perfect luck charm to give you a weird boost of confidence just by having them on. The kick in the arse you need to say ‘you know what, fck ‘em’. Because sometimes they need to be fcked. Wait, what?

Never Mind The Detox Chocolate Trio

Let’s be real a second. The only reason anyone ever works out or goes on a stupid diet is to look good naked. To impress some loser off a dating app who’s rude to waiters and will complain about having to rubber up. Well worth depriving yourself of all things sugary and delicious.

Don’t let the bastards get you down, just crack out this trio of Belgian milk chocolate bars, each one laced with a different exciting sweet filling. No matter how terrified your friend is of disappointing the other singletons of the world with their squidgy human body, one square of this will have them on the fast track to self love.

Jizz The Game

We’ve been looking for a legitimate reason to pimp this particular product on the blog for ages, and now we’ve finally got one. Sort of.

Jizz The Game is a bit like Russian roulette but with “cum”. Fill the balls with whatever liquid you don’t mind being splashed with, then spin the dials to determine how much you have to pump and where.

They get to practice their probably rusty handjob technique - or their wanking technique, if they’re SERIOUSLY lonely - and you get to laugh as they get facially blasted with a substance of your choice. Don’t pick something too grim, you might end up being the one who takes the load. Chance would be a fine thing.

Personalised Letterbox Wine

Can’t make it to theirs for an impromptu night in? Don’t let that spoil their fun. Rev up the ol’ FaceTime and get our boozy wizards to pop one of these in the post for your poor old lonely mate.

These deceptively slimline bottles manage to hold an entire 75cl bottle of wine (normal size, fyi) but also fit through your letterbox. The bottles are made of super durable, recyclable plastic that looks just like glass. Simply pop whatever message you want on the label and we'll print it, no matter how sassy or rude. And then we’ll wang it through the post and straight into their home! Job’s a good ‘un.

Hidden Jewellery

If their useless wretch of an ex couldn’t buck up the balls to pop the question, you can do it for them.

Will you be my sad single buddy? Of course they will - when they see the stunning mystery piece of jewellery inside their fizzer. Choose from one of the three enticing scent combinations and their metallic bath time fate will be sealed. Will they get silver, white gold, or yellow gold? Will their piece be worth £10 or £2,000? It's the lushest lottery around, pun intended.

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Not found the perfect prezzy for your favourite single? Wow, they must be REALLY miserable about Valentine’s Day if they wouldn’t be pleased with any of that lot. Check out the rest of our picks, you’ll find just the thing to cheer them up.