Ah yes, tepid sex and measly attempts at foreplay, those were the days. Wonder though you might, they probably haven’t transformed into a sex god since you split.
Give them a gentle nudge to broaden their horizons and stop being so pathetically unadventurous with this Kama Sutra scratch poster. It gives them 100 crazy new positions to ignore in favour of just asking their new partner to get on top every time. They can even scratch off the positions when finished to show off. Finally, they might have something to dig their nails into!
Alternatively, scratch the whole lot off before you send it to hammer in how much mental yogic shagging you’re doing now that they’re not in your life anymore.
They were always so into themselves, getting lost in every gleaming reflective surface, subconsciously preening like an anxious peacock whenever someone sexy walked by. You might even say they had a... big head.
What better present for the big headed than a giant rendering of their face! Our Monster Mushions immortalise anyone you want in cushion form - monster-size cushion form.
If you’re really bitter about them, make sure to use a photo they hate so they are forced to stare at their worst aesthetic moment all day long.
Or go for a two-sided version, because they were always a two-faced wretch. https://www.firebox.com/Two-Faced-Monster-Mushions-Personalised-Cushion/p8969
Remember their weird filth addiction and all of the turmoil it created? Of course you do. You even donned those disguise kit glasses with a false nose attached in a bid to sate his Mia Khalifa fantasies. But alas, you will never be Mia Khalifa. And he will probably never be a decent partner.
Remind him of his dodgy search history with this guessing game of trying to predict the most popular endings to the crazy questions people Google. Then again, he probably won’t enjoy it, it’s not a game for solo players…
Hand down the pants. Always the hand down the bloody pants. When watching telly. At a restaurant. While meeting your parents. He juggled those bollocks so much that you’d think he was a qualified circus performer.
This pair of squeezable stress balls should help wean him off the real thing - consider it less of a gift to him and more of a service to anyone unfortunate enough to end up with him in the future.
Do we really need to explain this one?
It’s about time he grew a dick. A spicy one. This clever little insult in a cube sprouts some delightful penis shaped chillies for him to use in his mediocre cooking. And it’s under a tenner so you don’t even have to splash out to insult him.
Fancy something a little less tinged with residual hatred than this lot? Check out the rest of our V-day offerings here for something a bit sweeter.