Make your bottle stand out amongst the dozens your mates will inevitably get this year, with a little bit of personalisation magic. Let’s face it, they don’t quite deserve champagne - but a boring old bottle of fizzy plonk from the shops screams NO EFFORT.
This stunning bottle, on the other hand, is the best of both worlds AND under £20. Nice. You can personalise it with whatever you want, as long as it begins with HAPPY F***ING _ __. The possibilities are endless! Go mad, we won’t stop you.
If there’s a better gift to really rub in how grateful you are for someone’s Christmas kitchen efforts than these, we’d like to see one.
Capturing the frustration of trying to orchestrate a three course meal for an entire family while simultaneously balancing everyone’s mood to make sure everyone has a good time, these cheeky mitts are the perfect way for the head chef of your household to dish up a bit of sassy snark without losing their cool.
Wearing one of these charming retro mitts to serve your feast is a hell of a lot less awkward than completely losing the plot when your in-laws say the turkey is dry.
Celebrations. Heroes. Quality Street. Roses. Ferrero Rocher. Milk Tray. Some sort of Hotel Chocolat or Lindt variant, if you’re posh. Some sort of Thorntons box, if it’s the noughties again. Liqueurs if any old people are involved. After Eights, of course. Never before in the history of the English language has any one paragraph contained equal measures of yum and yawn.
Thank goodness you bought these Edible Anuses to liven up Christmas this year, before your whole family falls into a We-Have-The-Same-Damn-Chocolates-Every-Time coma.
Modelled on a REAL woman’s anus, these tongue-in-cheek Belgian chocolates are a real showstopper. They’ll hesitate to get stuck in, but they’ll be back for more before you know it. So good that even your mum can overlook the whole arsehole thing.
Think summer is the highpoint of the shagging calendar? Think again, mon ami: the week between Christmas and New Year is a veritable boom of sexual activity, according to some studies.
Biopsychosocial theories aside, you wouldn’t want all that festive f***ing to get boring, now, would you? Ensure that someone you know has a cracker of a Christmas season with this scratchable Kama Sutra poster. Copulate your way through 100 mad positions and scratch ‘em off when you’re done to mark your achievement for all to see. Will you achieve enlightenment, or just pull a muscle in your back? You’ll have to get shagging and get back to us.
Perhaps best to limit this one to partners or close mates who can take a joke. They might take it a bit better than your boss or that sexy barista you’ve got your eye on.
The scented candle has been well and truly gentrified: from an acrid £2 bit of fun you might pick up from the cleaning product aisle while doing The Big Shop, to £40+ jars of expense and opportunity cost with a glitzy label and the same sort of cloying aromas you could get from a poundshop one.
Firebox to the rescue, meeting you in the middle between luxe and wallet-friendly with these Fragranced As F*ck candles. Don’t believe the fancy labels, these candles may smell so exquisite that they belong under a crystal bell jar in Harrods, but they’re only £17.99.
Take your pick from Fresh As Fck, Juicy As Fck, or Fresh As F*ck - each one made of 100% eco-friendly soy wax hand-poured into a glass jar, and studded with a lead-free wick for 50-60+ hours burn time. Can’t argue with that!
Not satisfied? Not cheeky enough for you? Fortunately, cheeky isn’t something we’ve got in short supply. Check THIS out for more NSFW gifts.