5 Books To Read On The Bog

Ellie Weston – 9th Jul 2019

Remember the good ol’ days before mobile phones when you would read whatever book was next to the toilet instead of aimlessly scrolling through Instagram? We’re on a mission to bring that wonderful tradition back, starting with these amazing reads.

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I’ll Be There For You

We could all do with a bit of advice now and then. Yes, even someone as wise and omnipotent as you. And who better to give you that advice than a set of crazy characters who have been through it all. You know ‘em, you love ‘em… it’s the cast of F.R.I.E.N.D.S!

This glorious hardback is basically their guide to life, from Monica's cooking tips to Joey's dating advice. It's not all advice either, you could spend hours digging through all the quizzes and quotes and general fun.

Prepare to be asked if “you’re alright in there” because you’re “taking a rather long time”!

How To Live With A Huge Penis

Being well-endowed ain’t no walk in the park, contrary to what everyone else might have you believe. Is bigger REALLY better? Not always. Finally, a book that understands.

Once you’ve finished flopping your mega dong over the top of the toilet bowl - careful not to crack the porcelain with the weight of your wang - you can settle in for a long sit and a bit of cock-based comfort from this volume of advice for the fat-dicked.

From how to avoid rod rash to famous people who shared your penile predicament, this book has all your cock concerns sorted. A few pages of this and you’ll be tucking it back into your pants with pride.

100 Tricks To Appear Smart In Meetings

Climbing the career ladder needn’t require an MBA. Just head into the bathroom with a copy of this and you’ll be taking your boss’s job in no time.

Peel back the veneer of corporate bullsh*t with every dump you take and learn all the dirty tricks for yourself so you can play those three-piece-suited bastards at their own game. From repeating what the other person has just said slowly to asking ‘clever’ questions like ‘Can I see that last slide again?’, you’ll soon know every trick in the book. Literally.

How To Swear Around The World

Come out of the toilet cursing profusely in French and everyone will think you’ve blocked the u-bend again. They couldn’t be wronger. You’ve just learned how to swear around the world, with a little help from this charming book.

What does it mean if an Italian tells you to ‘vaffanculo’? Or if a Korean says ‘yumago’? If you had this book and had done a poo since acquiring it, then you would know. Otherwise you’d just be wildly gesturing ‘I no speak your language’ while a menacing local starts rolling up the sleeve of their punching arm.

If they’d taught you fun stuff like this in school then you might have got higher than a C in GCSE French.

Images You Should Not Masturbate To

Look, we just said these were books to read on the toilet. We never said these were books to read while doing a sh*t specifically. And do you know what some people do in the toilet? Knock one out. Strangle their snake. Bust a cheeky five knuckle shuffle. Have a wank, if you haven’t clocked our euphemisms yet.

Maybe you could use some inspiration for that. A challenge, of sorts. This book contains images that you should not masturbate to. You know, awful, unnerving things. A dog doing a shit, someone clipping their toenails, a man in his pants in the forest wearing creepy bunny mask… Stuff you definitely should NOT masturbate to.

But maybe you’re a bit of a rebel. Perhaps you don’t like being told what not to wank to. You go ahead and choke your chorizo. Just don’t blame us when you feel the need to own up at your local police station afterwards.

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Still not found the perfect book to while away the hours on your porcelain throne? Sorry. Good thing we’ve got loads more where this lot came from!