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The Interactive Periodic Table of Swearing

Push the effing button
Dish out powerful profanities without uttering a single word
103 brightly coloured buttons with seriously colourful language
Everything from "Sh*tting Ballbreaker" to "B*ggering Old Tw*t"
The creative obscenities of Modern Toss, finally given a voice
Happily lose hours of your life to this monumental machine
Delivery Information
Due to the incredibly exclusive nature of this product, delivery will be 4-6 weeks from point of order.
Free UK Delivery Over £100
Free Returns
Next Day Delivery available Before 5pm
Some say swearing demonstrates a lack of vocabulary. But we say bollards to that because our knowledge of the English lexicon is unfeignedly galumptious. Besides, swearing is effing hilarious. And that’s why the satirical potty-mouths at Modern Toss have created this one-off masterpiece of modern art. Ladies and tossers, introducing the Interactive Periodic Table of Swearing.

Created in association with renowned artisans at Clay design studio, this exclusive piece of world-class art is basically a fully interactive periodic table of filth. Simply press any one of its 103 brightly coloured buttons and you’ll instantly hear the mellifluous tones of a mystery man uttering profanities, insults and highly innovative cusses. %$*ing amazing, eh? And it’s only 50k!

Yes, we expect you just blurted out your own cavalcade of gob-smacked vulgarity but quality like this does not come cheap. Resembling something that might have graced the control room of a 1970’s power station, the laser-cut MDF Periodic Table of Swearing contains more than 300ft of cabling and 300 soldered joints. Even a complete See You Next Tuesday will agree that this stunning creation is a masterpiece.

What’s more, the swearwords are arranged with heavy metals on the left (gobsmackingly offensive) moving to lighter gases on the right (mildly infantile) to frankly anything goes at the bottom (where the lanthanides and actinides would normally reside…yeah, us neither) . To **** or *******, that is the question.

But what about its innards? We’d love to tell you Derek and Clive (kids get Googling), Malcolm Tucker and Gordon Ramsay are snuggled within, but apparently it’s all a bit ENIAC (the first general-purpose electronic computer) with lots of wires soldered to a hardware encoder. Never in the field of human endeavour has so much love gone into something so stupid. Or rude.

Best of all the Periodic Table of Swearing give you instant profanity at the touch of a button – and as everyone knows, pushing a chunky button to hear a pre-recorded volley of highly creative obscenities is addictive beyond belief. Now all you need is a pair of earmuffs for when Reverend Futtocks calls round for tea.

More info
Please Note:
  • Warning: Not suitable for people who don't like obscene words
  • Suitable for ages 18+
  • This is a one off table exclusively available at Firebox!
Product Features:
  • 103 brightly coloured buttons with colourful language
  • Over 300ft of cables inside the table
  • Made by the brilliant minds at Modern Toss and Clay design studios
  • Styled like an old 1970s industrial computer