The Interactive Periodic Table of Swearing

Some say swearing demonstrates a lack of vocabulary. But we say bollards to that because our knowledge of the English lexicon is unfeignedly galumptious. Besides, swearing is effing hilarious. And that’s why the satirical potty-mouths at Modern Toss have created this one-off masterpiece of modern art. Ladies and tossers, introducing the Interactive Periodic Table of Swearing.

Created in association with renowned artisans at Clay design studio, this exclusive piece of world-class art is basically a fully interactive periodic table of filth. Simply press any one of its 103 brightly coloured buttons and you’ll instantly hear the mellifluous tones of a mystery man uttering profanities, insults and highly innovative cusses. %$*ing amazing, eh? And it’s only 50k!

Yes, we expect you just blurted out your own cavalcade of gob-smacked vulgarity but quality like this does not come cheap. Resembling something that might have graced the control room of a 1970’s power station, the laser-cut MDF Periodic Table of Swearing contains more than 300ft of cabling and 300 soldered joints. Even a complete See You Next Tuesday will agree that this stunning creation is a masterpiece.

What’s more, the swearwords are arranged with heavy metals on the left (gobsmackingly offensive) moving to lighter gases on the right (mildly infantile) to frankly anything goes at the bottom (where the lanthanides and actinides would normally reside…yeah, us neither) . To **** or *******, that is the question.

But what about its innards? We’d love to tell you Derek and Clive (kids get Googling), Malcolm Tucker and Gordon Ramsay are snuggled within, but apparently it’s all a bit ENIAC (the first general-purpose electronic computer) with lots of wires soldered to a hardware encoder. Never in the field of human endeavour has so much love gone into something so stupid. Or rude.

Best of all the Periodic Table of Swearing give you instant profanity at the touch of a button – and as everyone knows, pushing a chunky button to hear a pre-recorded volley of highly creative obscenities is addictive beyond belief. Now all you need is a pair of earmuffs for when Reverend Futtocks calls round for tea.