The Periodic Tea Towel of Swearing

Because swearing’s a science

The Periodic Tea Towel of Swearing

Because swearing’s a science

In Stock


Don't click for a large view of the main image if you're averse to foul language. This product is offensive.




This is as much as we can show you!

Okay, we know swearing isn’t big or clever. But it’s effing hilarious when it’s plastered across a quality linen dish cloth in the style of the periodic table. Yes, that periodic table; the one that shows various elements arranged in columns and rows according to their increasing atomic number. Or something like that.

Brought to you by the satirical geniuses over at Modern Toss, this thoroughly distasteful kitchen accessory is emblazoned with colourful swear words and frankly bizarre insults that would make the likes of Shaun Ryder, Malcolm Tucker, Joe Pesci, Gordon Ramsay and maybe even Derek and Clive (kids get Googling) wash their mouths out in shame. Better still it scientifically illustrates the relationship between various jaw-droppingly vulgar slurs. Sort of.

Fits small tables!

It looks nice on coffee tables

The ideal way to refresh your lexicon of profanities whilst drying the dishes, the Periodic Tablecloth of Swearing makes a colourful addition to any kitchen. Just make sure you hide it next time the vicar calls round for tea.

more info

Please Note:
  • 100% cotton
  • Machine Washable
  • Likely to offend
Product Features:
  • Triple ‘A’ Grade cussing reference
  • Looks very colourful
  • Good for keeping crumbs off the table
  • Measures approximately 48cm(H) x 79cm(W)

Customer Reviews

I bought this as a last minute Christmas present. Totally didn't read the full description and thought it was the table cloth, not just a tea towel. Both pictures make it look like it's a table cloth. In fact, the main image actually says ;table cloth on it. Disappointed that I spent £17 on a tea towel. I don't think I have spent more than £17 on all tea towels I've owned in my entire life put together.
Graeme Forrest - 24th December 2012
Firebox says: Hey Graeme, sorry to hear you felt we didn't make things clear enough on the product page. Drop us a line at and we will look into your options for you.
What size is this - is it actually a tea towel or a table cloth?!
Kate - 21st November 2012
Firebox says: Hi Kate, it is 48cm(H) x 79cm(W)
Again I would love to give this as a gift for Christmas. Do you think it will come back into stock and be able to send to me before Christmas?
Max Fullerton - 18th November 2012
Firebox says: It's expected to come back into stock in the next few days! Yay! You could place a preorder to ensure it arrives with you before Christmas.
Bought this gift as a present for my aunt, the rest of the family loved it so I ended up buying 7 more. Also works as a great conversation topic at dinner parties when you need a tea towel to put hot food on to the table!
Josie - 1st November 2012
Firebox says: Hi Josie, we're glad you like it!
In 92, it says 'your' not 'you're'. . Just to let you know. . X.
Gem - 25th April 2011
Haha I want this. Brilliantly immature and some of them worthy of Malcolm Tucker from "The Thick of It".
Tom Clark - 23rd December 2010
Firebox says: We suspect Malcolm owns this tablecloth.