Duck Separator

Dear Sir/Madam, It is with deep sadness and regret that I feel I must return your "Duck Seperator", following a disturbing incident this morning. I fear I may have stumbled upon a serious flaw in your product's design, which for most users, may never come to light. Imagine my family's delight when the item arrived on the morning of my daughter's birthday. We eagerly assembled the device, wrapped up warmly and headed out to the River Trent with joy in our hearts, Bovril in our flasks and a bag of out-of-date Warburton's clutched in our trembling hands. On arrival at the frosty riverbank, we were greeted by the usual quackling throng of water birds, feverishly squabbling for our attention. As it was my daughter's birthday, she was allowed to use the new feeder first. She took careful aim, targeting a young, disaffected duck with an injured wing that appeared to have been marginalised by its extended family, existing on meagre leftovers on the fringes of society. As the first shot of soggy wholemeal hit the icy waters, our young duck soon had company. My daughter skilfully deployed the orange "exclusion" hoop, allowing our sorry-looking duckling to enjoy his first good meal in peace. "Hurrah!", we cried, "thank you Firebox!". However, our exuberant Hi-5's were brought to a sudden and abrupt halt by the chilling series of events that were about to unfold. Whilst our town has a proud swan-related heritage, there is a small cult of outlaw swans that seem to rebel against the conventional swan image and use the Queen's protection to afford them diplomatic immunity to any repercussions of their anti-social behaviour. And so it was that 4 members of this clan appeared from their murky lair beneath the Ferry Bridge and descended upon our "protected" duck. The orange plastic walls turned from "Safe Exclusion Zone" into "Hellish Floating Prison" as the elegant, flexible necks of the evil swans loomed over the hapless mallard, their razor-sharp beaks gnashing and devouring anything in their grasp, in a frightening feeding frenzy. I covered my daughter's face from the carnage, but within seconds it was all over. The river was silent, except for the receding cackle of the murderous swans and the gentle lapping of the cold waves as I pulled the tattered remains of the hoop back to the bank. I would therefore advise any prospective purchasers to consider the use of this device very carefully and would strongly insist that you include a swan warning on all future packaging. Obviously, the refund I am requesting will never erase the shocking images of avian cannibalism embedded in my daughter's psyche, but it will go some way towards offsetting the cost of the McDonald's breakfast with double apple pies and McFlurries that helped to ease our pain.
Nigel Ghent, Burton-Upon-Trent - 1st April 2010

Can someone remind me what the date is today please?
Elsie Dee, Brizzle - 1st April 2010

How would one dislodge a cat from the funnelled chamber, if for example they'd tried to use the item as a rudimentary pet-cannon? Hypothetically, that is. Although it is rather urgent.
James, Godmanchester - 1st April 2010

Hmm does this also work on swans and flamingos?
Dave, Gloucester - 1st April 2010

Wow this is great, now I can focus on that lowly duck, you know the one...who always looks a bit scabby and needs a good feed...boy oh boy he'll be a chubby duck in no time! :o).
Holly Travis, London - 1st April 2010

This is amazing, although a very specialist item, Firebox delivers again! Will there be a new version to address the cake issue?
Donald, Pond Lane - 1st April 2010

I can't believe Firefox are selling a product that encourages people to shoot things at ducks!
Steph, Glasgow - 1st April 2010

I'll have one - despite it not yet having the Seagull Scarer attachment (patent pending).... The lakes near us are plagued by seagulls snatching the bread from just above the duck's beaks.... . The Seagull Scarer will emit a loud clapping noise on firing the Duck Separator and position a small net just over the target duck's location.
Neil McKenzie, Leeds - 1st April 2010

Wow. This actually worked at my local pond, a great product. The male mallard in particular seemed very satisfied with all his exclusive feed.
Phil Whelan, Surbiton - 1st April 2010

I got the Duck Separator as part of my birthday present, and boy! It's the best gift I've had in a long time! I'm usually stressed and confused by duck in-fighting whilst I distribute my bread-y treats to them. No more! Now my ducks are fed, watered and pampered, in their little exclusion zones. Please note : I recommend testing the Duck Seperator in your back garden first. I strode off to the pond, exuberantly, only to find my aim was not so good. I may have accidentally walloped a mallard or two before I got the hang of it.
Gordon, Glasgow - 1st April 2010