Terry Turtle

We all know there's nothing big or clever about swearing, don't we? Actually, scrub that. It's hilarious, especially when the expletives in question are coming from an arm-waving, head-popping plastic turtle.

Ladies and i****s, introducing Terry Turtle. Utterly infantile, this potty-mouthed infra-red reptile is the funniest little s***l w****r we've come across in ages, and we're big fans of Derek and Clive, Richard Pryor and Joe Pesci. (Incidentally, don't bother trying to decipher our Terry-inspired exclamations. His outbursts are so off the wall you'll be here all day).

The concept behind Terry Turtle is p**t w*******y simple: he's preloaded with over 25 forehead-slappingly funny sweary outbursts. Just activate his motion sensor by walking past, waving your hand or sticking two fingers up and you'll hear a shocking random phrase. He's also great for insulting passers-by. G****s!

If motion's not your thing, simply press Terry's switch, located near his s***y s***l. To add to the puerile proceedings, Terry's wobbly head pops up and his arms wave every time he swears.

It's not all g***********y r***e, though, because Terry has a not-so-rude mode and a safe mode for those occasions when the vicar is coming to tea or the chairman of the board is in town.

If you're wondering what Terry is actually for, keep wondering. He's t*****y p*******s. And that's the point. Just put him on your desk and snigger like a b*g g***s b****e as he runs through his sweary repertoire. It's hilarious when the boss walks by. Well, ish.

Much as we deplore swearing *they said, looking to the sky and whistling*, we honestly think Terry Turtle is destined to become a cult hero and a best seller to boot. So get a b******g move on or cover your ears. We're seeing stars!