Dr Love's surgery is currently closed. Please feel free to read his amazing advice below.

Does he tell you he loves you? If he does he’s either really bad at buying gifts or very forgetful. Buy a massive calendar, circle the date. Mention your love for chocolates/flowers/jewellery.

Unless you’ve got the combination, putting it in his locker is not going to work unless you’re leading a secret double life as a master criminal. Or a locksmith. But school is definitely better than sending it to his home (or how will you know if he likes it?).

Get her a birthday gift as well as a Valentine’s one, or she’ll feel like the poor kid born at Christmas. Chocolate is always a winner.

I have some bad news for you: what she really wants is diamonds. But if that’s not in your price range, try some gold (and cook her dinner).

Unromantic? Sounds like he needs warming up.

Maybe some fans would do the trick. Not real ones, mind - that would be too hard; I’m not a miracle worker. How about the uber cool, Tengu? He’s just come out in black and will sing along to your screamo, no matter how hard you rock out.

Like a piece of Halibut you need to lure her in. But if you are as ugly as sin, you’ll have no chance unless you can get her to leave logic completely behind. This cologne should do the trick. It’s out of this galaxy.

It seems to me as if her problem lies within her core. With this innovative gadget she’ll be getting down in no time, and what’s more you’ll be helping her along nicely to achieving her 5 fruit & veg a day. Pip Pip!

Hide all of her clothes when she’s not looking / in the shower/ making you a corned beef sandwich. Upon her return, act as equally flabbergasted as she, and then come to her rescue like the knight in shining armour that you are with the red ribbon. She will love you forever and may even have your babies.

The question is, do you love yourself? Only then will you be capable of loving anyone else. In the immortal words of M People, “You have to search for the hero inside yourself.”

An Aston Villa fan, you say? Maybe he should man up and support a real team. But if that’s asking too much, either this brilliant ball or these stylish silver cufflinks should do the trick.

The answer is in the question. She wants for nothing. Anything else would just be duplication.

53. Tricky. If he’s a young at heart & a sprightly 53 then why not get him tearing around in a super car. Or alternatively if he’s starting to lose his marbles and can’t find the keys to his own car, then help him keep track of them with this.

What a man of eclectic tastes! For an outdoorsman such as he, I think he’s going to need something to keep warm after such lengthy physical exertion. Get him one of these and you can join him under the covers!

Young love is tough. The gut churning freshness of it all. Brings a tear to the eye. You’ve got all the time in the world though, so I’d say just play it cool. Get her a Tao Digital Photo Keychain and make sure you get in some group shots with her, then she always has a reminder of you close!!

You need to buy him one of these. More softer than lace, more comfortable than underwear. In my opinion.

You mention in your question that your boyfriend is a geek twice. This worries me, you don't seem happy. Perhaps you'd be better off with a nice Doctor? Looks like there are cracks in this relationship. He'd be best off with a key to unlock your heart and make things a bit brighter for the pair of you. If things don't progress, change the locks!

Hmm... maybe she can be tempted to re-create a classic Victorian tea party with the use of this Cupcake Kit. Mmm...

If you want to be the ultimate boyfriend, then I suggest this piece of kit.

Are you sure he has one of these?

Having strong thumbs is always handy for rugby and army lads... he can show off his strength with this game!

Always send flowers if you want to be romantic... and these definitely rock!

Yes I often crack a funny at work! Right, well why not treat him to these. This will tempt him to wine and dine you in his best shirt in May!

I'm gonna refer you to a Nutritionist.

It very much depends on whether he wants you back. Sometimes I think the same thoughts about Dr. Peter Venkman. But atleast you have this.

Dear Robot, if she isn't a technofile by the time she's examined the 640x480 VGA close ups of your inner circuits, you could try prescribing something cuter instead.

Say it with a dose of nuts - if he bolts, it may be love.

Two hearts are better than one, but you can never have too many - I know of another 'Doctor' with two hearts, and the common earth worm has five!

Simply apply a handful of this potent cologne to your body prior to contact with females. 60% of the time, it works every time!

Your revenge reflex might make you feel the need to be a bit nasty, but beware of undesired side-effects! I recommend getting a gift you can share to prevent a prolonged bout of bitterness if his behavior is recurring.

Obesity is a growing problem, but as Freddie said, 'Fat bottomed girls, they make the rockin' world go round'. Make her rounder with this pizza.

Wow what a player. I imagine he must get very lonely all alone on that oil rig. But that's why the internet was invented. There's only one gift for naughty people.

Depends what sort of love you're talking about.

Funny you should ask this. I had exactly the same problem until I was certified. Not too sure what you could eat to become perfect except for humble pie now and again. In the meantime wear a badge.

Relationships work when you share the chores. Women have fought long and hard for girl power. How about telling him the recipe and getting him to make his own. On your return I'm sure you'll want a little nibble.

Lovehearts of course

Schimples. This much.

I feel your pain, I feel your shame, but you're not to blame. You've hit an all time low, how could it get any worse? The sky is the limit with this gift.

You must make him believe. He sounds boring. What you doing tonight?

Why not woo her subtly by placing one of these on one of the dogs in her shop. That way you can always find the right moment to ask her her true feelings. Good luck!

Why are you telling your partner not to do it? If you loved them enough you would accept they enjoy doing it. Buy this to make things easier on yourself.

If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it. Don't be mad once you see that he want it.

I like to call them incisions, and if pressure is applied, yes!

For him: Sex Panther
For her: The Slanket

If you give me more information I can prescribe the right gift.

No but I do have a USB

It's normal to be so pessimistic of a Love Doctor. I was taught by Dr Ruth in Florida for 5 years then I came to the UK to work with Lauren Harries.

Its sounds like he could be a collectamaniac. Did he have a bad incident with a penguin as a child? i think buying him another penguin isn't going to solve your problems. On the 'flip' side, go nuts.

Simple. Ask them what song he dances to. Perhaps you just haven't found the right track to let him express his manliness yet.

Try 'Freakum Dress' by Beyonce. Come back in a week if you can't find the download.

I met him at a conference in Dubai 2 years ago. Not sure if he's still practising. His wife Mrs Luva Luva made great cookies.

Love hurts. Wear high collars.

Looking for the right pulling techniques?

I am the love Doctor. If you are worried about what to get that certain someone then I can prescribe the right gift for you.

Though unlike most Doctors, I don't believe in private and confidential.

Dr Ruth