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The Coolest Things You Can Buy

Google Street Coo

Tuesday 25th March 2014

Just look at this horrific avian nightmare spotted on Google Street View.

Pull on one of our Animal Masks and join them.

Bugdet Bingo

Thursday 20th March 2014

In homage to the Tory's immensely gracious Beer and Bingo tax cuts, we're offering you 10% off Bug Bingo and a whole £1 (100x better than the government's paltry 1p) off Duff Beer. This mind-blowing deal ends on Sunday!

CLICK ME!!!CLICK ME!!!

GOTW

Wednesday 26th February 2014

Gif of the goddamn week

The Week in Bits

Friday 21st February 2014

This week we've mostly been:

Chicken Handbags

Wednesday 19th February 2014

It doesn't take a genius to see what's happened here. No need to thank us Anya Hindmarch.

Now, would you rather The Original Chicken Handbag from Firebaawx, or this cheep-cheep knock-off on display at London Fashion Week? We sure as hell know which one we'd choose.*

 The real deal! What a rip off!

 

*...hers

GOTW

Wednesday 19th February 2014

Gif of the dayum week

Secret Firebox Fan?

Tuesday 18th February 2014

Is Miley Cyrus watching Firebox?

First she's snapped sporting our fabled Unicorn Slippers, today she's had some limited edition gold rolling papers made by the same people behind our Shine 24k Gold Rolling Papers and is giving them away to her fans on tour.

Happy coincidence? We want answers.

Oooh dat Miley

The Week in Bits

Friday 14th February 2014

Oh those weak bits of ours

This week we've been mainly lamenting the #rain and:

 

Kitchen "lol"

Thursday 13th February 2014

Thanks for leaving that scrap of tissue, it was just the right amount.

Thank you kindly

Haven’t you heard?

Tuesday 11th February 2014

Haven't you heard?

Every time an order is placed with us, we humbly ask that you reveal how you heard about Firebox in the first place. It gives us a chance to discover how the Firebox word gets around, and for you to write something truly hilarious. Here's a few recent favourites:

"Angels & Urchins" -  Whilst this almost certainly refers to a well-known magazine, we're under the assumption that this customer hears divine voices in their head and runs a London soup kitchen.

"A girl I have had a crush on told me about it, so I started looking at all the products you had on offer to use as a topic of conversation in future endeavours" - NERD ALERT! No in all seriousness, this guy has got it spot on. Attentiveness is the cherished golden crowbar to the weary door of love. As is this.

"Your mum" - Always good to know she's still championing us. Hi Sheila

"Swingers party" - A commonly recurring answer. We've started to wonder if it's all from the same party. We're also wondering where this party takes place and what time it usually kicks off.

"A horrific sacrificial ritual involving stoats" - We're not at liberty to reveal precisely what this customer ordered. Needless to say those stoats did not die in vain.

The Week in Bits

Friday 7th February 2014

This week has mostly been spent:

When he's not fighting crime...

Tuesday 4th February 2014

He's selling propane

  

The Week in Bits

Friday 31st January 2014

Aside from the usual rigorous abdominal exercises, this week we've mainy been:

Gangstaroo

Tuesday 28th January 2014

Go on Buff Kangaroo strike a... yeah

The Week in Bits

Friday 24th January 2014

This week has mostly been spent:

Entrancing...

Wednesday 22nd January 2014

Make a ketchup make a ketchup make a ketchup make a ketchup

Make a ketchup make a ketchup make a ketchup

Also this -

The Week in Bits

Friday 17th January 2014

This week we've been mainly:

10 Reasons to buy the last Egg-Q-Ber

Thursday 16th January 2014

The Egg-Q-Ber

Just one left and no one wants to buy it. Why? Because it's a device that cubes a f*cking egg.

But really there's so much more to it than that:

*Update* - It's been sold! So here's 10 reasons to pre-order one.

1. You could use it as a cruel castration device
2. Cook perfectly square omelets every time
3. Make yourself an edible egg dice. Do not eat it until you roll a 6
4. Probably also works with strawberries and shalots
5. Create hundreds of egg cubes and build yourself a luxurious egg villa
6. Keep your contact lenses in it, you square eyes
7. Pop the eggs in the freezer = delicious ice cubes that won't dilute your drink
8. Pretend they're marshmallows and roast them over an open fire
9. As the cartoon emblem suggests, crush an entire swan inside it
10. Just an enjoyable and messy way to crack an unboiled egg
 

Buy me for goodness sake!

Holly Willoughby Loves it!

Friday 10th January 2014

Living proof that 8 out of 10 people (and cats) love our Wine Handbag

Holly Willoughby loves it!

 

Burger Queen

Tuesday 7th January 2014

Cara Delevingne. Delectable fashion model currently the face of Burberry. Or should we say...BURGERY.

 

Merry Christmas

Wednesday 25th December 2013

Rating:
Views: 126

Video URL: http://www.firebox.com/video/3811


Great Odin's Raven

Wednesday 18th December 2013

It's Burgundy Wednesday!

The human torch was denied a bank loan

Christmas Cut Off

Wednesday 18th December 2013

http://www.firebox.com/christmas

Christmas day. Same day every year. But unless you're one of those highly organised people that have it all nailed down by October, you're probably reaching the stressful point of no return.

So if you've been umming and ahhing over what to get your nearest and dearest, don't let procrastination ruin the big day – now is the time to make that big decision. Our last order date for delivery in time for Christmas is Wednesday 18th December at 11pm.

Still stumped for ideas? Stubborn family members refusing to tell you what they want?

Head over to our Christmas Shop while there's still time.

Gifting Dynamite

Monday 16th December 2013

Are you still short of gift inspiration (giftspiration)? Are they notoriously hard to please? Perhaps you want to show them precisely how much you love them in cold, hard, monetary terms? Maybe they're making your life needlessly difficult by stubbornly not revealing what they want? Maybe they're testing you? Maybe this year they should just choose for their ruddy selves?

Whatever your reasons, take the sensible option and give them the gift that gives them the gift of giving themselves a gift.

Firebox Gift Vouchers.

Let them choose what they want this year!

Pippa Middleton Loves Us

Tuesday 10th December 2013

She really does. Gin and Tonic Popcorn too. Great taste.

Pippa Papped with a Pack of Popcorn

Check out Firebox for “the coolest things you can buy”, especially their food and drink gift section. I love the gin and tonic popcorn.

Once featured in TIME's top 100 most influential people in the world, very much the thinking man's Kate. Give it time and we'll have "By Appointment to Her Majesty" coats of arms on all of our finest wares.

Which Chicken laid the egg?

Friday 6th December 2013

 

 

The Big Firebox Questionnaire

Tuesday 3rd December 2013

Move some sliders about a bit, have some fun.

Show us where you're perched on the world's most diverse and precise gender scale. Perhaps you're more Charles Bronson than you are Maggie Smith? Let's find out.

Confess your innermost thoughts and more importantly, help us determine Firebox's most loved office dog.

Best of all you'll be entered into a monthly draw to win a £50 Firebox voucher!

ENTER HERE

Game Odour

Thursday 28th November 2013

Gamer Soaps

A portrait of two heroes.

These are the makers of our Gamer Soaps. Not content with allowing them to remain as a humble Etsy outlet, we cherry-picked these guys to sit on the hallowed Firebox shelves where they've blossomed into a huge success...that we've temporarily ground to a complete standstill.

Quoted from their Facebook page:

"We apologize for the retail delay; We've got 2,900 bars of soap packaged for the UK!"

We're sorry too, sort of.

The Mother of all football matches

Wednesday 27th November 2013

Good vs Evil

Earlier this week a gauntlet was laid down. A naive Firebox customer service temp, drunk on his own bravado, challenged the most established footballers in the company to a duel of epic proportions.

On the left, representing Main Office Football Orient (MOFO) we have Ben Redhead. Buyer at Firebox. A hero. A legend. The people's champion. A pressure cooker waiting to explode.

Representing 'Athletico Blobfish' and sneering down his anxious nostrils is Richie Fletcher. Customer Service Temp. A big-mouth. An upstart. A scoundrel. A fearless and foolhardy renegade if ever there was one. A modern-day Spartacus*

On Thursday 28th of November 2013 we'll find out who takes the glorious victory spoils and who sees out the rest of this Christmas season in silent shameful agony.

*our customer service team are not slaves.

The Real Story of Instant Regret Beer

Thursday 21st November 2013

Many dark millennia ago, a distillery was forged deep in the fiery bowels of hell. It's sole purpose - to inflict abject pain and suffering. Nothing more was known about it.

Year after year it remained dormant until one day the mills erupted in a cacophonic roar. For weeks a seemingly endless procession of satanic wagons and depraved creatures bearing crates of deviant ingredients turned up at its door. Thousands marched in. Nothing came out.

Ceaseless steam billowed from its crooked chimneys, the sweltering stench stung the nostrils and the ferocious heat of the place could be felt for miles around.

Eventually a hooded monk emerged. In his scorched black hands he held aloft a crimson bottle, containing a molten fluid that glowed hotter and brighter than anything meant for this earth.

At that moment the battle for good over evil was lost.

Instant Regret Beer was born.


Trouble is Brewing

Word of the Day:

Monday 18th November 2013

Troubadour.

Serious Business

Tuesday 12th November 2013

Too many cocks spoil the broth. Sometimes you just need a professional.

I have altered the meal

Thursday 7th November 2013

Alright.

Shameless celebrity product sighting #134

Monday 4th November 2013

A gangly crew member from a passing Merchant vessel has been spotted with a lovely soft Chestburster erupting violently from his bosom. The agonizing cramps seem to have subsided and they're getting along splendidly.

Ghost in a Jar

Friday 1st November 2013

This afternoon we received a hand-written letter from one Chris Gallagher. A powerful letter full of abstract thinking and bold ideas.

His thorough blueprint for a new and groundbreaking product was all there in black and white  – 'Ghost in a Jar.'

The plan was simple: source some 29p jam jars, empty out the jam (to be recycled into a new bloodsport known as Jamball), find a ghost (from one of our country's many fine ghost walks), stuff 'em in, close the jar and smother it in holy water to seal in the apparition.

Well we did it Chris Gallagher. We did it for you.

It's ALLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!

Apologies for the gruesome picture, it's truly nothing but delicious strawberry jam.

For our rough and ready prototype we chose a slightly more luxurious jar of preserves but it worked all the same. Thankfully our offices are but moments from a cracking Jack the Ripper tour so we nabbed a ghost, coaxed 'em in, splash of holy water, done.

BEHOLD.

Ghost in a Jar

We Can't Get Enough of that Wonderful Duff

Thursday 31st October 2013

Literally.

As of early next year, the legendary Duff Beer will be no more.

The factory is ceasing production and we can only place one more order.

No more pretending we're Duff Man
No more re-creating Moe's tavern in our living room
No more mindlessly channelling Barny Gumble and belching like a pig

It's the saddest news we've heard all year.

We'd never encourage panic buying. But start panic buying.

2 Days until the Hallowed Eve

Sunday 27th October 2013

And it's never too late to cobble together greatness.

Halloween's Coming

Wednesday 23rd October 2013

...and you'll never look so good, so don't try.

Teen Pug

Bricking it til' Christmas

Friday 18th October 2013

LEGO.

Undeniably the world's best toy. If only it was socially acceptable to play with it as a grown adult. It's probably the main driver behind couples having children. Over-population is exclusively down to Lego.

7 Lego pieces made every second
4 humans born every second

Interesting.

It's no wonder that the Lego Star Wars Advent Calenders sell like absolute hot cakes. It's a full blown bun-fight and we aren't surprised at all.

Don't stand by and let the others take what is rightfully yours. Snap one up while you still can.

 

The iKettle steams its way to the summit

Tuesday 15th October 2013

The last week has re-confirmed our suspicions – that we live in a nation of hot-drink lovers/lazy swines.

The Mighty iKettle has been fired from the human cannon of obscurity, straight into the velvet-clad royal box of our hallowed Firebox Top 50. (And in just 16 hours and 19 minutes too!)

It's amassed over 70,000 page views and 7000 likes since its launch a week ago and is showing little sign of slowing down. Viva la iKettle!

Velvet Banana

Thursday 3rd October 2013

Velvet Underground & Nico  – Yes that bunch may have split years ago, but that's no reason not to enjoy this utterly frivolous mash up with Cleon Daniel's a-peeling modern masterpiece.

The End of Breaking Bad - No spoilers within

Tuesday 1st October 2013

It's finally come to an end. Five years it's held us in its grasp. Over 10 million people tuned in to witness Walter White finish his brutal transformation from mild-mannered chemistry teacher to uncompromising drug lord. We're not sure what to say.
(Must. Not. Spoil. Ending.)

Will Blue Sky be around forever? Perhaps not.

We've seen some great cooks come and go. The late great Gale Boetticher could cook up a paltry 96% pure meth, Jesse Pinkman in his pomp could produce a batch at 96.2% and even that dewy-eyed psychopath Todd Alquist eventually achieved a purity of 92%.

All we're saying is that we can still get it 99.1% pure. So make sure you grab a piece of history before it's all seized by the DEA.

Warm Beer. What the F is going on?

Monday 30th September 2013

"Mmmmm a warm beer! Thanks! This is wonderfully refreshing, it's really quenching my thirst. I think it actually tastes better at this temperature." – No one. Ever.

Unless it's an ale (and even then) warm beer is a truly unnacceptable abomination. It's a kick in the teeth. It's immoral. No one ever tolerated a cold tea or coffee, and with good reason. So why do people think it's okay to serve hot beer?

You hand over half your wages in your local drinking hole only to be rewarded with a glass that's fresh out of the dishwasher and hotter than the fires of hell, and then they follow it up with a bottle of room-temperatue venom. It's the ultimate dishonour. They know what they're doing. It breaks our spirit and the mere thought of this being our very first drink after a long hard week haunts our dreams.

Sadly we cannot solve the scandalous quandary posed by pubs and bars. But in your own home surely there's no excuse?

Lack of preparation? Lack of time?

Get out. No way. Next you'll be telling us it's okay to snaffle down raw chicken fillets and frozen chips (from the bag) because there's "no time."

Make time. There is no substitute for cold beer. None. You know it to be true.

Okay, so no one likes a product pitch abruptly pasted on the end of an article but we've done it anyway. For your sake.

If you despise warm beer, then for the love of god buy a Chillsner Beer Cooler.

It freezes quickly, and gives you that "Oh my sweet lord how is this beer not frozen!? This is mind-blowing. I'm actually crying!" feeling every time.

An open love letter to Josh Egglestone

Friday 27th September 2013

Dear Josh Egglestone,

We've got something to get off our chests. We adore you.

From the moment you caught our eye on Twitter we knew there was something very different, something inherently special about you.

You have filled a void that we didn't even know was there. You've enriched our very existence.

You inspire us Josh. You've nourished our soul. Just knowing that you're there makes everything worthwhile.

Thank you for seeing beneath the surface Josh, for seeing us for who we really are.

We've never actually met you in person but we can already tell that you're a fine physical specimen, a model man. You've already proved your cerebal credentials and that you're a master of the written word. You've taught us things about love, passion, lust that we never knew existed. Shown us the power of devotion, commitment and living in the moment.

Please don't ever leave, the mere mention of your name in the office makes us buckle at the knees. We want to spend the rest of our lives with you. True love can only be seperated for so long. You make us feel like together we can change the world. We'd be powerless without you.

Oh Josh we just want to collapse into your arms, tear off your shirt and twiddle your warm chest curls as the red sun rises. We want to straddle you and make sexually-charged pottery together. We want your hot breath on our neck.

But for now Josh Egglestone, let's take it one tweet at a time.

Our eternal love,

Firebox

Xx

 

Clumsy? Nevermind.

Wednesday 25th September 2013

If you're feeling 'stupid and contagious' you may just do something silly with your iPhone. Like use it as bait to catch a naked swimming baby.

More likely you'll just drop it in a muddy puddle, or on the pavement, or be fooled by a recent (and obviously very false) claim that updating to ios7 would make your iPhone waterproof!

Nevermind. Protect yourself with the Nirvana of smartphone protection - the Lifeproof for iPhone5.

Take your time, hurry up. The choice is yours, don't be late! Buy one today.

Dip Hop!

Monday 16th September 2013

Well well well, the bloody creative people at Pizza Hut Canada have used the versatile Makey Makey to lay down some seriously hot beats. Also some cheesy, some tomatoey and some garlicy ones.

Grab a slice of the action below.

Back in Stock

Friday 13th September 2013

Cool as pluck! The breast piece of poultry rubber chic you've ever seen is now back in stock. Do it. 

Beautifully, Unapologetically Plastic

Wednesday 11th September 2013

Jony Ive - Apple's Senior Vice President of Design, over-enthusiastic master of the hypnotic voice and winner of staring contests the world over has recently announced the arrival of the iPhone 5C.

With this new piece of tech being described as "Beautifully, Unapologetically Plastic" we thought we'd take a look at our top 10 products that are equally remorseless about their similar chemical make-up.

 





 

And as a little perk, here's a cheeky chap who is down-right unrepentantly chocolate and cardboard.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BREAKING NEWS: Customer finds diamond in diamond candle

Friday 6th September 2013

When a close friend or family member wins big on the lottery it suddenly legitimises the whole thing. It is real. The world isn't all wrong. Miracles do happen. 

PopUp Candles  A little bit like buying a beautifully packaged and scented lottery ticket made of wax, that you then slowly burn to reveal if you've won.

We say it's like the lottery, but the PopUp's odds are just slightly more favourable.

Diamond in a Pop-up Candle - 1 in 50 chance.
Matching all the winning Euromillions numbers - 1 in 76275360 chance.

In both cases no one really thinks they're going to win but it's the giddy thrill, the heated anticipation that drives us to make these exciting and uncertain purchases.

Luckily for us a happy customer got in touch last week to inform us that their sister found a diamond in her candle! So this is us saying to you...

Take a risk. Throw caution to the wind. Live in the now. What's the worst that could happen? Get lucky. YOLO. Buy a PopUp Diamond Candle?


Sparkling Burgandy, what a very apt celebratory libation!

Linkee vs The Dragons

Friday 30th August 2013

Who else witnessed Linkee's defiant rejection of Bannatyne's billions on the BBC's Dragon's Den at the weekend? We've been busy playing the game in the office and can happily confirm that it’s even more addictive than it looked on TV.

Here's a little teaser question for you. Can you work out the central link between the four answers to the questions below? If you can (and you enjoyed this satisfying cerebral challenge), why not buy Linkee and teach Reggae Reggae Jones and the gang that they need to learn a thing or two about investment.

Psssst the answer is Monopoly!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer: Monopoly! Still can't believe they replaced the Iron with a bleedin' Cat.

15 thing that are more fun than eating Instant Regret Peanuts

Wednesday 28th August 2013

Look at our happy faces.

1. Staring into the Sun

2. Getting mauled by a Mountain Lion

3. Being buried alive

4. Not eating enough fibre

5. Being sick inside an astronaut helmet

6. Getting your hand trapped beneath a rock and then severing it to free yourself

7. Being wedgied every hour, on the hour, for the rest of your foreseeable life

8. Eating your own lips

9. Farting in an airtight room

10. Walking in on your mum, your uncle and your dad

11. Getting shot in the knee caps

12. Listening to someone playing a violin, badly, forever or Radio 1

13. Having your sunburn slapped

14. Stubbing your big toe

15. Licking industrial-grade sandpaper

Elephant in the room

Friday 23rd August 2013

Stuff that looks like other stuff is absolutely everywhere, though mainly in the lavatory as of late.

This placid little Elephant has been perched unnoticed on the back of the toilet door for years now. Look at him and his silly oversized trunk, tuskless and alone.

He never forgets, though he wishes he could. Oh mercy the things he's seen.

Experience multiple bacon orgasms

Monday 19th August 2013

A pig’s climax lasts for 30 mind blowing minutes. Smug little pink strumpets writhing in the mud. That's an awfully long time and us cursed humans can only dream of such lengthy ecstasy.

It's therefore very fitting that the closest we can get to this frenzied serenity is by consuming extra thick rashes of home-cured bacon, made with the Original Bacon Kit.

Feast on porky reparations and experience multiple bacon orgasms.

Experience intense pork-based arousal!

Can You Count the Clucking Cocks?

Tuesday 13th August 2013

Time to show some 'Where's Wally' style visual skills. How many cocks are in this picture? (answer below)

The answer is.........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One. Top right of image. The other things are hens. 

Legal Coke High!

Friday 9th August 2013

Heading out for the night, but feeling tired from the daily grind? Need a little coke pick-me-up? We hear you. 

You probably shouldn't do it all yourself mind. Let everyone have a bump. Share. Chop it up and lay it on the coffee table for friends (or let a dwarf carry it around in a bowl on his/her head if you're feeling debauched). At 32p a gram you can afford to play Joe F**king Hollywood until the wheels fall off. 

Unload this premium cola on your guests and we guarantee everyone will be yammering away until the early hours. Really excitedly. Usually about how great they are. 

Be warned though, that high won't last forever and the comedown could be pretty brutal. Try and remember that no one feeling lasts forever. It will pass. Try and remember the good times were worth it. 

Once you're hooked, we promise not to raise the price or dilute the purity. £12.99 for 420g. You're robbing us!

Comic Sans Tax

Tuesday 6th August 2013

Comic Sans is the most intolerable font ever invented. That includes 'Jokerman' and 'Snap ITC'. That's why we charge a £2 'tax' on the Personalised Eye Chart. You can't say 'furrer then that'. 

The BEST kitchen toy ever!

Friday 2nd August 2013

Not our words, the words of Top Gear Magazine the Daily Mail's Anne Shooter. 

We've no idea if Anne was on an egg white high at the time, but she found herself unable to stop the following hyperbole dripping from her egg shell coloured lips:

This is truly magical — a gizmo so wondrous I could hardly believe it. I found myself separating loads of eggs just to see it do its thing over and over again. The best kitchen toy ever. 

Read more of Anne's truly excited review here and to get your 'pluck' on follow this to start the newest and best chapter in your sorry life. The chapter where you own the best kitchen toy ever! 

***

Just look how yellow those yolks are in our picture. They must have been touched up. We've never seen such consistent and beautiful yellow. Makes you fall in love. Again. 

Treelephant

Wednesday 31st July 2013

Zebra vs Honey badger baby

Monday 29th July 2013

Zebras aren't known for their carnivore leanings but Honey Badger don't give a shit. Come too close to her baby and she's ready to rumble. Steam in. Kick up some dust. See ya later you striped goons.

Great little power slide at the end of the run as well. 

We already told you this, but it bears repeating. The Honey Badger is in the Guinness Book of World Records as the most fearsome animal in all the animal kingdom. He/She/It also endorses the nicest Honey BBQ Sauce known to animal kind. 

As seen on the always time destroying animalsbeingdicks

Batman loitering in the men's toilets

Friday 26th July 2013

at Firebox HQ. 

Looks a bit like Batman dunnit. It's a key from the top of the hand towels. Which are empty. We have a mega weak hand dryer instead. Lots of rubbed hands on trousers at ole Firebox. 

"It's not who we are underneath but what we do in the toilet that defines us."

The Dark shite Knight. 

Bear Grylls loves grass..

Wednesday 24th July 2013

flip flops. 

Let's face it, if they're good enough for a man who rowed naked for 22 miles in a homemade bathtub along the Thames, climbed Mount Everest when he was 23 and has drank fecal liquid from Elephant Dung - then they're good enough for you. 

As seen on Bear's Twitter feed. Get them here

'Honey Badger Sauce' don't give a sh*t..

Monday 22nd July 2013

..what you use it for. 

Smear it on burgers, ribs, wings, jackal, snake, mice, a house full of bees, larva, king cobra. Honey Badger don't care. 

Inspired by the YouTube sensation, and launched via Kickstarter, we've got it exclusively for you. It's pretty bad ass. In fact it's in the Guinness Book of World Records as the most fearsome animal in all the animal kingdom. 

Honey Badger

So if you're a 'hungry little bastard' or someone who just 'takes whatever it wants, whenever it's hungry' then this is the cobra strength Honey Habanero BBQ sauce for you!

Get it here, or don't. Firebox don't give a shit!

 

Firebox founding father Michael Acton Smith rocks The Apprentice

Thursday 18th July 2013

Well, look who was on the panel on last nights final of The Apprentice. It's only co-founder of Firebox - Michael Acton Smith! Get in.  

He might now be the CEO of Mind Candy and the creator and magician behind Moshi Monsters but to us he'll always be the man who gave birth to (or is that launched?) Firebox (with Tom Boardman) back in 1998. 

Was the internet even around in 1998? No. Was it? No I don't think so. Was it?  

Joined by Lorraine and Punt or Dennis from Punt and Dennis, Michael cut a suave and very well spoken entrepreneurial figure. 

He was the last one clapping for Lord Sugars when he sat down next to him, which is a very astute tactic. He also made a good joke about 'cutting fingers off' which didn't get the response it merited. He even managed to keep a straight face when he saw Dr Leah's dress. 

Well played MAS! 

Speaking of The Apprentice, Firebox were slightly sad not to see as many buffoons as normal in this years series. Where was Stuart 'The Brand' Baggs? The Badger woman? 

Bonus fact: We saw Stuart Baggs on the tube once. He was sweating and had a full bosom. 

Is this the World Record for the most puns in one place?

Wednesday 17th July 2013

Well, that was certainly the plan when we started crafting 'The Original Chicken Handbag' product page. 

Click on the link above and just let them wash over you. They make the head spin and the heart sing/sink.

Call Norris McWhirter. This must be a World Record. A really (chicken) shit one. 

The brighter the lights are in a pub...

Friday 12th July 2013

The crapper the pub is. 

 

That's a fact. 

Would you take the recycling out please dear?

Tuesday 9th July 2013

Erm, no.

You bloody do it. 

Mucky Puncher

Sunday 7th July 2013

Domestic chores are super lame. So boring. So neccesary and boring and annoying. So arduous. So boring. So bereft of fun. 'Washing clothes', and it's evil twin 'hanging out clothes to dry' are right up there with the most hateful domestic activities. Just despicable. Blood boils just mentally considering it. Clothes. Such a con. So needy. I didn't even sweat heavily today. Why do they need washing again. I washed them the other day. What's their problem? 

Carrying the washing basket to the washing machine as well. What a torrid event. Wicker handles threatening to splinter. Socks and undercrackers sitting on the top, looking at you smugly. Taunting you. Who is the master here exactly? So upsetting.

If only you could channel this frustration in the correct way. A safe channel. Away from society and it's big nose and prying eyes. Give something inanimate a good hiding. Punch some muck. Put a fake boxing punch bag full of slightly soiled garments in an empty wood cupboard, get your best striped top and hefty boxing gloves on and let off some controlled rage. 

STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO!!! 

Well now you can! And at a penny shy of £20 it's miles cheaper than having to pay someone to reinstall the sink - after you ripped it out because you didn't put the plug in firmly enough and all the water drained out. Or repairing the wall plaster after you tried to run through it in anger when you realise the bloody sheets need changing!!!

Laundry Punch Bag - a better way. 

What would a sexual hedgehog drink?

Thursday 4th July 2013

Not an assexual hedgehog. That's obvious. An assexual hedgehog would drink elderflower cordial. No, we mean 'the' sex hedgehog. Jeremy Ron. The everyman living an extraordinary life. A dirty life. A thirsty life. 

Ron Jeremy

Well, he drinks Rum. Not just any rum. His own rum. Or at least he endorses it, and let's be honest that's all you can ask for. We doubt half the celebrities use the products they endorse. Does it even matter? Yes it does really. Or not. Can't remember. 

What does matter is that when you reach for the alcohol at home, you don't grab some supermarket home brand or a lazy pirate related rum. No, grab something long and smooth. Grab something bursting with flavour. Something that always goes down properly. Grab:

 

 

The tagline also has the unofficial semi-honour of being perhaps our best stab at concise comedic catchphrasing ever. So far anyway. 

'Porn to Rum'. Oh that's good. 

Papped!

Monday 1st July 2013

Cannabis Energy Drink

They’ve just been “seen inside removal boxes” so where next for our “Cannabis Cans”? In fact, the most likely final destination will be a ‘wheelie bin’, as recycling rates continue to rise and rise. A spokesperson said, “We’ve had ‘paps’ waiting by the green bins outside the office for ages but I think all the empty cans might have been chucked in the normal bins instead.”

Did you know the truth about the mighty Chewbacca?

Sunday 30th June 2013

He is NOT a doctor and he CANNOT take Leia's pulse through those winter garments. 

We saw Chewie giving Lando the 'Heimlich' once. This information puts that in a new light. 

The Best Movie Props of All Time...

Wednesday 26th June 2013

(which we sell)...

Presented in no particular order. 

This mute, unhelpful airhead won Best Actor for his role in the Tim Hanks movie 'Castaways' (1998), about an amiable delivery driver whose wife cheats on him.   

From the film 'Anchorfan', this lady bothering cologne famously smells like 'the Abominable Snowman's old lad'. It's quite pungent. 

From sci-fi blockbuster 'The Blade Runners'. It's what Indiana Solo drinks out of when he's chilling out in his house, after a hard day of chasing 'replicats'. It's not cheap, but neither are you. Are you? 

Taken from everyone's favourite 80's franchise 'Back to that Future'. Cover your precious iPad in an exact replica of the heavy handed plot device used by Teenwolf and Doc Hollywood to avoid a bunch of terrorists who are trying to nick their winged car.

Bonus:

Pretty sure this was in 'Requiem for a Dream', but it was very dark so can't be sure. 

Get us a packet of fags please mister...

Monday 24th June 2013

Or a bag of sugar. 

Number 1 with a (drunken) bullet

Sunday 23rd June 2013

We have a new number 1 in the Firebox chart! Lovely vino in a real fake fake real fake bag. 

No wonder it's been bought, talked about and voted for in spades. You look mega classy and are capable of wine supplying levels of biblical proportion - BOTH AT THE SAME TIME. 

Can you use it to fool security and sneak some high class booze into a pub/gig/festival? There's only one way to find out! 

"Can I see inside your bag please? It's for security...."

.......

"Erm........No."

Available in all the normal colours of wine. Red being the best. Then white. Then the one in the middle. 

Perfect for anyone who loves a bit of fake designer gear with a massive drunken twist. 

 

Update: OK, so it's run at the top didn't last too long. No sooner had this article been finished - and the VW Camper Van Tent clambered back into top spot! Bloody hell. 

 

Another Update: 26th July. It's back at number 1! All hail. In your face VW Camper you fool. 

Don't be afraid of the Duck.

Friday 21st June 2013

Dog Day Afternoon

Thursday 20th June 2013

Two dogs started scrapping in our office yesterday. It was pretty brutal. Everyone watched. For ages. No-one intervened. It was troubling stuff.

The Jack Russell is called Max and is a proper bastard. The other one has an 80's haircut and looks like Corey Haim. Or Garth out of Wayne's World. Or a flash car salesman. Or a Hollywood dentist. He loses everytime. 

Here's a picture of the victor wearing his bow-tie spoils. Butter wouldn't melt you might think.

No chance, he's a murderer!

The other one has been banished from Firebox HQ. Like a defeated Skeksis. Albeit one with what appears to be a very poor syrup. 

Effortlessly Cool Dads #8

Sunday 16th June 2013

In honour of Father's Day, we're paying tribute to the men that made us, with a look at some Effortlessly Cool Dads. Buy them something excellent, they deserve it.

The Hedgehog

The Hedgehog

OK, so he’s not strictly a father (according to Wiki). But if he was, we're pretty sure he’d be an effortlessly cool one. Besides, having made about 3000 adult movies, he’s certainly had a huge impact on the number of people making babies.

Also, he's an excellent example for building a career out of what you love.

Happy Father's Day people!

Effortlessly Cool Dads #7

Friday 14th June 2013

In honour of Father's Day, we're paying tribute to the men that made us, with a look at some Effortlessly Cool Dads. Buy them something excellent, they deserve it.

The Push-Up Bra

He values support...

This seductive looking fellow effortlessly pulls off the come hither stare and 5 o’clock shadow, and he clearly knows the importance of support.

We’d like to say that his daughter is a budding lingerie designer, and he offered to model her new designs out of fatherly pride. But she isn’t and he didn’t.

Want to share your Effortlessly Cool Dad with the world? Enter our Instagram competition and you could win a £50 Gift Voucher.

Or if you're feeling inspired, head over to our Father's Day collection to pick him up something special. (He's got more than enough socks already).

Effortlessly Cool Dads #6

Wednesday 12th June 2013

In honour of Father's Day, we're paying tribute to the men that made us, with a look at some Effortlessly Cool Dads. Buy them something excellent, they deserve it.

Chevy Chase

National Lampoons

One word: National Lampoons. Desperate to regain that childhood nostalgia, no father worked harder to provide a fun-filled family vacation than Clark Griswold. Effortlessly cool and riddled with epic failures - he's the dad we can all respect. 

Especially as he's in that Paul Simon video farting about. Iconic. 

Want to share your Effortlessly Cool Dad with the world? Enter our Instagram competition and you could win a £50 Gift Voucher.

Or if you're feeling inspired, head over to our Father's Day collection to pick him up something special. (He's got more than enough socks already).

The Most Important and not at all Spurious Marketing Event of the Year.

Wednesday 12th June 2013

The day you've been waiting nearly a year for is FINALLY on the horizon again. Hallelujah! What a glorious event!  

Yep, for those of you who have been living under a vodka soaked rock, it's that time of year when we celebrate the juniper berries greatest (only) gift to the world. 

Yes - this Saturday (June 15th) it's World Gin Day! Get in.  

To tie in to this monumental event, here are things we sell that have gin in them. Go and buy them. Don't think twice. It's important you don't think twice. 

 

Gin with a worm in it. Pretty cool. A proper low-fi English take on the show-off spirits you get with scorpions in them. Or snakes. Or bison. Or weasels. 

This gin won a load of awards recently for basically tasting fantastic. Which sounds like a bit of an oxymoron as no spirit tastes nice neat. Anyone who says they do, is having you on. 

This has got gin in it. I think. It has it on the label anyway. It might look like a load of wet wotsits in a light curry sauce, but it's actually bloody delicious. 

Valley legGINgs. Look it's a spurious day anyway, so we're leaving these in. And they're on sale. 

Effortlessly Cool Dads #5

Tuesday 11th June 2013

In honour of Father's Day, we're paying tribute to the men that made us, with a look at some Effortlessly Cool Dads. Buy them something excellent, they deserve it.

The Disc Jockey

Like a record baby, right round...

This DJ dad knows the importance of music during childhood. Effortlessly introducing not just his own kids, but a generation of young minds to the joys of disco and Barry White ballads... and exceptional moustache cultivation.

Disco dad on the 1s and 2s.

Want to share your Effortlessly Cool Dad with the world? Enter our Instagram competition and you could win a £50 Gift Voucher.

Or if you're feeling inspired, head over to our Father's Day collection to pick him up something special. (He's got more than enough socks already).

Effortlessly Cool Dads #4

Monday 10th June 2013

In honour of Father's Day, we're paying tribute to the men that made us, with a look at some Effortlessly Cool Dads. Buy them something excellent, they deserve it.

Bushranger

Protect ya neck

Caught in the open during the infamous snowstorm of ’87, this hirsute dad had to wrap his baby daughter in his beard to stay warm.

Even though she’s all grown up and living with a stockbroker in the city, he keeps it as an effortless tribute to his fatherly love.

It also hides his unsightly neck.

Want to share your Effortlessly Cool Dad with the world? Enter our Instagram competition and you could win a £50 Gift Voucher.

Or if you're feeling inspired, head over to our Father's Day collection to pick him up something special. (He's got more than enough socks already).

Imperial cut-backs...

Sunday 9th June 2013

Even the Empire aren't impervious to inter-galactic credit crunches. 

Effortlessly Cool Dads #3

Friday 7th June 2013

In honour of Father's Day, we're paying tribute to the men that made us, with a look at some Effortlessly Cool Dads. Buy them something excellent, they deserve it.

Slavic Saint

Bling

Estranged father of upcoming New York rapper Action Bronson, this dad effortlessly shows his support of his son’s blossoming career with a vague gang sign and spectacularly ostentatious bit of bling.

Once he’s finished mingling, he’s promised to return the cross to the local Orthodox Church... and the chain to the hardware store.

Want to share your Effortlessly Cool Dad with the world? Enter our Instagram competition and you could win a £50 Gift Voucher.

Or if you're feeling inspired, head over to our Father's Day collection to pick him up something special. (He's got more than enough socks already).

This is what you get to see when you drink our Absinthe...

Thursday 6th June 2013

These are just a few of the characters you can expect to see if you drink our Professor Cornelius Ampleforth's Cold-Distilled Absinthe. 

Gary:

Uncle Gnat:

Family reunion:

They come when you're asleep. They're your new friends. They have powers you wouldn't believe. 

Absinthe should be taken with great care. Once you open a portal, it's hard to close it. 

Effortlessly Cool Dads #2

Thursday 6th June 2013

In honour of Father's Day, we're paying tribute to the men that made us, with a look at some Effortlessly Cool Dads. Buy them something excellent, they deserve it.

Grand Slam

Game. Set. Match.

Cutoffs. Tube-socks. Headband. Exercise. Massive beard. This dad is an athlete, a father and a style icon all rolled into one effortlessly cool ball.

Game, set and match.

Want to share your Effortlessly Cool Dad with the world? Enter our Instagram competition and you could win a £50 Gift Voucher.

Or if you're feeling inspired, head over to our Father's Day collection to pick him up something special. (He's got more than enough socks already).

How to improve SEO...

Wednesday 5th June 2013

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Has this helped?

Effortlessly Cool Dads #1

Wednesday 5th June 2013

In honour of Father's Day, we're paying tribute to the men that made us, with a look at some Effortlessly Cool Dads. Buy them something excellent, they deserve it.

The Dude

The Dude abides...

The Dude’s an absentee father by request, but you know he'd be there if you needed him. After all, he effortlessly survived nihilist kidnappers, a Latino nemesis and the cruel destruction of his rug.

The epitome of understated cool, he just wanted to go bowling.

Want to share your Effortlessly Cool Dad with the world? Enter our Instagram competition and you could win a £50 Gift Voucher.

Or if you're feeling inspired, head over to our Father's Day collection to pick him up something special. (He's got more than enough socks already).

The Firebox Blog: Not as funny as we hoped...

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